I read my other blog just now—the blog that my family and friends know about, as opposed to this one which they don’t. I was so innocent. Even after the scare with the birth of my Sunshine, I was fearless (ok not entirely; I did worry about a repeat with this Angel of mine). And now, I think I may just go nuts if I’m lucky to conceive again. There will be no out of the woods…that is if there is a Rainbow.
There has to be a Rainbow—or two, or three. There just has to be…right.
It’s just so scarring. The loss of me, my carefree-ness, my naiveté, my innocence.
Yesterday we went to the zoo, my Sunshine and I joined out of town family, my mother and my nephew. It was fun…until somewhere amidst the zoogoers (little babies and pregnant women included) and the animals a weight settled on my shoulders. I never thought that feeling could be so physical. And inexplicable. And so invasive on a good day.
I was just so sad. Everyone commented on how they must have tired me out…but it wasn’t exhaustion, just sadness…Sadness is so heavy; so physical and real. It weighed me down.
My aunts left town yesterday. As everyone gets older and life is more precious, I’m so sad when they leave. I may get to visit once more this year—but it’s a drive. That on top of my grief almost pushed me to tears, but I had to get to work. I didn’t have “time” for that.
So today I go see a counselor. I need to talk things out with someone other than my husband. Someone who I can be honest with. Someone who I don’t fear won’t say the wrong things. Since she’s with the Hospital’s Perinatal Loss program she should be just that. I hope it helps…that sadness that burdens me down…I don’t want it to drag down my husband with me. He’s too important to me. WE are too important to me.
And so I bare the weight and trudge along…
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