Today is our wedding anniversary. I was looking forward to this vacation week. I had plans for us. You see there are parts of a relationship that stutter a bit after the birth of a child. And ours was no exception.
This child’s conception…truly a miracle.
I was gonna begin to fix that stutter this week. I missed that closeness. That part of us gone silent.
Yeah, well…there are certain forbiddens after a D&C—one of those forbiddens precluded “fixing” us. You know the closeness you crave after this loss…yeah well…hah! So much for this week.
I realized how our relationship had come to the point where someone else could be paid to do what I do—and do it better…
Pity party here we come. I have reservations for a party of one…
In all seriousness…this sadness sucks. Those Happy Anniversary! greetings made me hurt inside. People truly wished us well…yet there was no “we’re thinking about you.” or “try to enjoy yourselves the best you can.” Nope, that’s done. Over with. We asked the mister how the wife is. He says “OK.” Good, she’s over that.
That’s how I feel the world looks at me.
Who do I really talk with about this? Which of the close ones won’t think I’m depressed or holding on too long? Just those who’ve been there. To the outside world they are probably enablers. And still, they are sad for me. No one is sad with me.
And that pity party? Well the band keeps playing…
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day…
Who gets to say how long we grieve? Who gets to say what's right for us? Who gets to say it has been too long? There are people who think they should, but they are not for me. Only I get to say and that makes it (grief) a lonely place.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've found myself lying to people's questions, because those are the answers they want to hear. I just can take their judgement anymore. It sucks. It hurts me every time, but the judgement hurts worse. And so I'm honest with few people anymore.
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