This is what you call negative space

Apparently I only come here on a bad day. It’s my place to let it all out. Doesn’t make for very good reading I guess. But after a euphoric Monday, it’s all been down hill.

Down

down

              down

The mister and I watched American Reunion on Sunday. Crude humor maybe, but it hit home the point that just because you become mom and dad, you don’t stop being husband and wife. That was a great turning point in the part of our relationship that was missing. Or so it seemed…

Then the drought returned…I’m not a sex fiend…I’d do with glances and touches outside the bedroom… I can’t even hope for another baby if the baby making activities are missing…

Then there’s my house. I can’t catch up to get ahead. Piles of laundry. Piles of dishes. Dust bunnies. And I’m the only one trying to get it under control, while watching a nine month old, and working part time. the mister is doing other projects he finds important to contribute. And I appreciate them…but they add to the clutter with none of it taken away…I’m overwhelmed.

And my body is messing with me. I thought I was back on cycle. Lighter and shorter than normal, but what do I know, I’ve had two periods since Feb 2011…then it stopped—normal…then today it started again? Finished? Is something else? I don’t even know.

This is all pulling me down. Formerly a very self confident person, I doubt my ability to attract my husband. And I just don’t know anymore…

I feel like I’m just failing everyone…

Technorati Tags: failure,sad,grief,baby clothing,sex,marriage,housekeeping

My daughter is nine months old today

My Sunshine is getting bigger…and more mobile and I’m in trouble very soon.

But her turning 9 months today…it’s put me on the edge of a crevice. One I can’t let myself into because I have a Sunshine to keep out of trouble…and a public face to put on….and be the voice of customer service…and My sister is coming over so she can watch the Sunshine so I can work in the morning—and go to a Early Baby Loss Group in the evening.

I’m so thankful that my work is so flexible (actually this time it’s a great colleague and friend swapping around shifts with me). Then I have to pick which of the groups I prefer so we can do a schedule swap so I can go until I don’t need it anymore.

It’s nice that they work with me…crappy that I work during every support group in my area…

I was thinking the last few days that maybe I don’t need to go to group—I’m getting along well. Then *boom* this nine month mark is killing me.

Maybe it’s because I just keep realizing how long it will be before I get to snuggle another little one. It was supposed to be January…now who knows.

Maybe it’s because a part of my relationship with my husband is broken. He thinks it’s getting better. I don’t. Certain acts are required to produce children. This last one was truly a biological miracle.

I know if I can look to the future it will help me in the present to work through the grief of my past. But when I can’t conceive of a future, because conception can’t happen during this stalemate. It makes positivity so much harder.

And today I just want to jump off that crevice into the pool of tears. I’d feel so much better. But…no…I put on my costume of lies and pretend I didn’t lose my baby.

Technorati Tags: lies,grief,baby,nine months,public face,work