My Sunshine is getting bigger…and more mobile and I’m in trouble very soon.
But her turning 9 months today…it’s put me on the edge of a crevice. One I can’t let myself into because I have a Sunshine to keep out of trouble…and a public face to put on….and be the voice of customer service…and My sister is coming over so she can watch the Sunshine so I can work in the morning—and go to a Early Baby Loss Group in the evening.
I’m so thankful that my work is so flexible (actually this time it’s a great colleague and friend swapping around shifts with me). Then I have to pick which of the groups I prefer so we can do a schedule swap so I can go until I don’t need it anymore.
It’s nice that they work with me…crappy that I work during every support group in my area…
I was thinking the last few days that maybe I don’t need to go to group—I’m getting along well. Then *boom* this nine month mark is killing me.
Maybe it’s because I just keep realizing how long it will be before I get to snuggle another little one. It was supposed to be January…now who knows.
Maybe it’s because a part of my relationship with my husband is broken. He thinks it’s getting better. I don’t. Certain acts are required to produce children. This last one was truly a biological miracle.
I know if I can look to the future it will help me in the present to work through the grief of my past. But when I can’t conceive of a future, because conception can’t happen during this stalemate. It makes positivity so much harder.
And today I just want to jump off that crevice into the pool of tears. I’d feel so much better. But…no…I put on my costume of lies and pretend I didn’t lose my baby.
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