Apparently, however you “birth” a child…living or gone too soon, through medical intervention or natural means…you are still the lucky one to bear the physical reminders of that birth.
When your child is born to walk the journey on earth with you, that physical pain is less important. The scars and tears are soothed by a warm baby to snuggle.
The heavy breasts are relieved by a nursing baby.
That backache no one thought to mention is not so bad when there’s a baby’s weight in your arms.
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On top of everything people and books tell you about miscarrying…no one mentioned that eight weeks/eleven weeks can leave the same pains as 42. And what they did tell me about…I assumed that’s for a longer pregnancy. While my body never fully ran dry after nursing my Sunshine, I was totally unprepared for the aching I feel. Eleven weeks and my milk is coming in? Luckily it never reached the lever that it did with Sunshine, but God that is cruel.
And my back…I never expected this ache with the first…but the reasoning made sense. My core muscles we pretty much nonexistent…after being stretched to their limit. But this time? This time I was barely showing…Only my husband and I noticed…yet my back. And unlike last time, where I did exercise and strengthened it, this time it just seems cruel. I can’t make myself do anything about it.
Added to the physical pain, with a loss you have more pain…the mental and emotional pain.
The pain of loss and loneliness. The pain of those who can’t or won’t understand.
The pain of mothering a memory and not a baby.
No pain, no gain they say…but where the hell is my gain?
It’s all pain. And it hurts!
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