This is what you call negative space

Apparently I only come here on a bad day. It’s my place to let it all out. Doesn’t make for very good reading I guess. But after a euphoric Monday, it’s all been down hill.

Down

down

              down

The mister and I watched American Reunion on Sunday. Crude humor maybe, but it hit home the point that just because you become mom and dad, you don’t stop being husband and wife. That was a great turning point in the part of our relationship that was missing. Or so it seemed…

Then the drought returned…I’m not a sex fiend…I’d do with glances and touches outside the bedroom… I can’t even hope for another baby if the baby making activities are missing…

Then there’s my house. I can’t catch up to get ahead. Piles of laundry. Piles of dishes. Dust bunnies. And I’m the only one trying to get it under control, while watching a nine month old, and working part time. the mister is doing other projects he finds important to contribute. And I appreciate them…but they add to the clutter with none of it taken away…I’m overwhelmed.

And my body is messing with me. I thought I was back on cycle. Lighter and shorter than normal, but what do I know, I’ve had two periods since Feb 2011…then it stopped—normal…then today it started again? Finished? Is something else? I don’t even know.

This is all pulling me down. Formerly a very self confident person, I doubt my ability to attract my husband. And I just don’t know anymore…

I feel like I’m just failing everyone…

Technorati Tags: failure,sad,grief,baby clothing,sex,marriage,housekeeping

My daughter is nine months old today

My Sunshine is getting bigger…and more mobile and I’m in trouble very soon.

But her turning 9 months today…it’s put me on the edge of a crevice. One I can’t let myself into because I have a Sunshine to keep out of trouble…and a public face to put on….and be the voice of customer service…and My sister is coming over so she can watch the Sunshine so I can work in the morning—and go to a Early Baby Loss Group in the evening.

I’m so thankful that my work is so flexible (actually this time it’s a great colleague and friend swapping around shifts with me). Then I have to pick which of the groups I prefer so we can do a schedule swap so I can go until I don’t need it anymore.

It’s nice that they work with me…crappy that I work during every support group in my area…

I was thinking the last few days that maybe I don’t need to go to group—I’m getting along well. Then *boom* this nine month mark is killing me.

Maybe it’s because I just keep realizing how long it will be before I get to snuggle another little one. It was supposed to be January…now who knows.

Maybe it’s because a part of my relationship with my husband is broken. He thinks it’s getting better. I don’t. Certain acts are required to produce children. This last one was truly a biological miracle.

I know if I can look to the future it will help me in the present to work through the grief of my past. But when I can’t conceive of a future, because conception can’t happen during this stalemate. It makes positivity so much harder.

And today I just want to jump off that crevice into the pool of tears. I’d feel so much better. But…no…I put on my costume of lies and pretend I didn’t lose my baby.

Technorati Tags: lies,grief,baby,nine months,public face,work

The Guilt of Grieving

The main thing my doctor made sure to tell me after telling me it was over, was it wasn’t anything I did. Technically, it could’ve been. But I know what I did and didn’t do—and really don’t blame myself. I do have the occasional “I wonder…”

But where the guilt falls is with how my grief affects others. I know everyone (the books, my counselor, the support groups,etc.) say this is about me and how I feel. But I’m someone who always tries to make everyone comfortable. I’m the diplomat of my family. That’s who I AM, and that—while some things about me are changing—that hasn’t. So when I make someone unhappy—I feel it in my inner being.

My family reunion is today. I didn’t go because my husband didn’t want to. And it’s not just around the corner. If I need to go home I have to drive almost two hours. By myself. With my daughter.

This would be the first time in a group of people that know me—but don’t know my loss. I’m afraid of the casual “when’s the next one coming?” and being at a place that I’ve not been. A place that caters to families and young children. That means babies and pregnant women. The possibility of overwhelming me and what I can handle.

My family doesn’t get it. If I fall apart, I’m depressed. I’m not moving on. They aren’t huggers. THEY. DON’T. GET. IT. I guess that’s good—that means they haven’t lost. But I can’t do that alone. I might be fine. I put on a good face in public. But what if I don’t. Driving home upset. For two hours. By myself. With my Daughter.

So I didn’t go.

And the text messages from my family…with the subtle implications about me not going. From people that wanted me to go to entertain them. It makes me feel guilty. And I can’t control it.

And then there’s my husband. I lean on him. I depend on him. And I only fall apart near him.

And it’s starting to wear. We had a talk last night. It really was needed. We laid out where we are in our grieving. He talked FINALLY about what bothered him—I know he’s not really grieving for the baby much. He told me that sometimes alongside wishing things went normally (obviously), or maybe that I hadn’t gotten pregnant—he wishes I had been further along in the loss. So that he had been more a part of it. So that he could grieve with me. Because he too feels guilty. When I’m sad—and he doesn’t know what to do. What to say.

He also says it makes him a little upset when he sees how I act around other people. When we aren’t home. When I’m working. And that’s not how I am around him. That’s because my public person is a lie. I hold everything in. Work is so hard when I have to be the face of customer service. “How are you doing today.” “I’m fine” (But my insides are screaming—NO I’m Not fine!)

So now I feel guilty. I’m hurting my husband. So now I’ll lie to him too.

I have no one who wants to listen anymore.

I am so alone in my grief. And in my guilt.

Technorati Tags: guilt,grief,alone,family,lie,public face,working

The weight of the world

I read my other blog just now—the blog that my family and friends know about, as opposed to this one which they don’t. I was so innocent. Even after the scare with the birth of my Sunshine, I was fearless (ok not entirely; I did worry about a repeat with this Angel of mine). And now, I think I may just go nuts if I’m lucky to conceive again. There will be no out of the woods…that is if there is a Rainbow.

There has to be a Rainbow—or two, or three. There just has to be…right.

It’s just so scarring. The loss of me, my carefree-ness, my naiveté, my innocence.

Yesterday we went to the zoo, my Sunshine and I joined out of town family, my mother and my nephew. It was fun…until somewhere amidst the zoogoers (little babies and pregnant women included) and the animals a weight settled on my shoulders. I never thought that feeling could be so physical. And inexplicable. And so invasive on a good day.

I was just so sad. Everyone commented on how they must have tired me out…but it wasn’t exhaustion, just sadness…Sadness is so heavy; so physical and real. It weighed me down.

My aunts left town yesterday. As everyone gets older and life is more precious, I’m so sad when they leave. I may get to visit once more this year—but it’s a drive. That on top of my grief almost pushed me to tears, but I had to get to work. I didn’t have “time” for that.

So today I go see a counselor. I need to talk things out with someone other than my husband. Someone who I can be honest with. Someone who I don’t fear won’t say the wrong things. Since she’s with the Hospital’s Perinatal Loss program she should be just that. I hope it helps…that sadness that burdens me down…I don’t want it to drag down my husband with me. He’s too important to me. WE are too important to me.

And so I bare the weight and trudge along…

 

Technorati Tags: loss,grief,weight,burden,zoo

Can I pay $100 and see my baby move?

So the bills for the end of this pregnancy are starting to come in. I’ll probably have to battle with the insurance company again—this time it’s not for a happy event. They better not mess with me or I’ll cry on them…that’s a promise.

At my last appointment…the nurse had me go to the ultrasound room. The baby was still so young that it would be easier to find the heartbeat on the screen—so they didn’t scare me if it was hard to find. Oh irony—you suck. It was a free peek at the baby. I was happy—then I wasn’t.

You know irony, you can go away any time you want…I wouldn’t mind.

That ultrasound…was supposed to be free. I was supposed to see my lime sized baby. The heart was supposed to be beating. The little one was supposed to be squirming. Instead…I’m paying for the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The baby was just so still.

Instead of happiness, there was gloom.

So if I have to pay to see death (that’s such a hard word to write—I’ll admit I try so hard to avoid using it), can’t I pay to see life?

I know most people who have medical procedures do so because of a bad, sad, or unhappy reason. But doesn’t it seem wrong to receive bills for this horrible thing. This horrible thing that was supposed to bring happiness, and love, and miracles?

Yep, I’ll pay $100, or $1000 or dammit it I’ll find $10,000 to pay for my baby to be alive. If only that were possible.

Irony…You most certainly do suck.

Technorati Tags: insurance,ultrasound,death,irony,bills

The Two Brains of a Grieving Mother

Throughout the last two weeks I’ve found myself with explosions of tears and headaches and repeating the words “I know it’s stupid, but…”

I attribute all of those things to the war between the two brains I picture battling in my head: The rational brain and the grieving brain.

The Grieving brain is the one responsible for the thoughts:

“I want my baby back”

“I should be showing and wearing maternity clothes.”

“I need to be pregnant now”

“Maybe if I had/hadn’t done…, my baby would still be alive.”

AND famously (infamously?) present in my world of grief

“I’m failing as a mother and a wife, maybe they’d be better if I left for a while.”

When retelling my husband why I’m crying (grieving brain responsible for the explosions of waterworks), I often preface the statements with “I know it’s stupid, but…”  that phrase is necessarily inserted by the rational brain. The one that knows:

“It’s not my fault.”

“I’m not pregnant.”

“I can’t get pregnant for at least a month, and my body needs some time to heal.”

“I can’t have my baby back.”

“I most likely can get pregnant again.”

“I’m capable of caring for my daughter and  being a wife.”

But as I told a friend, “what I know and what I know are two different things.” Knowing doesn’t make this grieving process any easier—often it makes it harder.

My grieving brain tells me that this baby was going to look like ME. This baby was going to cuddle. I was going to nurse longer. This was going to be my little boy. My Sunshine and this baby were going to be the best of friends. Our family of four was going to be so happy.

My rational brain tells me that this baby might have been another clone of my husband. This baby could have been as independent as his sister. This baby might not have nursed at all. This baby may have been a girl. My Sunshine and this baby may have fought tooth and nail all the time. Our family of four may have been overwhelming.

But in this instance the grieving brain wins out. I will stick with the picture of perfection. And I grieve for my mommy’s boy—I’m convinced it was a boy although we’ll never know. And it hurts where it never did before to hear how my daughter looks so much like her dad. Because my clone will never be born. My rational brain butts in to say that I would have been so happy with another daddy’s clone—and I would have. But my dreams grew wings when my baby did.

And the battle of the two brains continues…and my head joins my heart in the pain of grief.

Technorati Tags: grief,rational,battle,two brains,miscarriage

Reservation: Party of One

Today is our wedding anniversary. I was looking forward to this vacation week. I had plans for us.  You see there are parts of a relationship that stutter a bit after the birth of a child. And ours was no exception.

This child’s conception…truly a miracle.

I was gonna begin to fix that stutter this week. I missed that closeness. That part of us gone silent.

Yeah, well…there are certain forbiddens after a D&C—one of those forbiddens precluded “fixing” us. You know the closeness you crave after this loss…yeah well…hah! So much for this week.

I realized how our relationship had come to the point where someone else could be paid to do what I do—and do it better…

Pity party here we come. I have reservations for a party of one…

In all seriousness…this sadness sucks. Those Happy Anniversary! greetings made me hurt inside. People truly wished us well…yet there was no “we’re thinking about you.” or “try to enjoy yourselves the best you can.” Nope, that’s done. Over with. We asked the mister how the wife is. He says “OK.” Good, she’s over that.

That’s how I feel the world looks at me.

Who do I really talk with about this? Which of the close ones won’t think I’m depressed or holding on too long? Just those who’ve been there. To the outside world they are probably enablers. And still, they are sad for me. No one is sad with me.

And that pity party? Well the band keeps playing…

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day…

Technorati Tags: sad,grief,pity party,anniversary,relatioship